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bluemilkman
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Name: John (right)
Location: Canton, Ohio, United States
Birthday: 10/2/1989
Gender: Male
Interests: GOD is #1
and running, reading, talking, video games, running, driving, sleeping, running
Expertise: running, and I'm not talking about my mouth
Occupation: Student
Industry: Nonprofit
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  johnc19609
AIM:  runningcoates5
AIM: johnc19609
AIM: runningcoates5
AIM: johnc19609
Member Since:
6/21/2005
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| And I just miss the way things used to be. A lot of great memories, trumped by one of only two things in my life that I regret.....
Everything I do now, I'm doing for you. You might never know it, but it doesn't matter. From this point on, school is going to get my attention before anything else. I'm going to get a job and make some money, not matter how far beneath me I might think that job is. I'm going to be successful and I can look back and say it was this night that I had decided that. Because of you.
Maybe someday you'll understand. I hope that you do. This is my last post here. Hopefully one day when you're perusing through your old one, you'll check on mine. And if/when that day comes, you will see my final statement.
I will always and forever love you, Katie. | | |
| Why can I not just be happy with what I have? It took me 6 months, but now it has been 3 years and it still hasn't happened. The worst part is, you don't even come close to knowing. | | |
| I don't know why I still post things here. I guess it's somewhere where not everyone in the world will see it, but it's also not the depths of my computer will there's no chance anyone will see it. So I guess that gives me some sort of satisfaction. I guess I'm just too big a coward to actually tell anyone any of this. But here's to you, reader of my post; you're probably a better friend than most that I consider friends. If you would have told me four years ago that my life would be like it is now, I would have laughed in your face. But yet, here I am. I have no money, no girlfriend, my best friend went to the marines, my grades suck, my parents think I'm the laziest kid alive, I have nobody to talk to, and the sad thing is, I realize that I've brought all this upon myself. Let us stat with the no money, which also explains the laziest kid alive. I wanted to get a job this summer. I didn't try extra hard, but there's a reason behind that. I think deep down that I have this feeling that I'm too good for most normal summer jobs. I'm not a physical laborer. I'm better with my mind than with my body. The problem with that is that 99% of all summer jobs is physical work. the other 1% is at an intelligence level way above mine. So I'm screwed. As for the no girlfriend part, well, I'm not so much upset that I don't have a girlfriend as much as I'm upset that I feel like I love so much, and I only get a fraction of that in return. I'm alone. I know everyone says that what is meant to be will always find a way and crap like that, but I'm finding that hard to believe. I believe that what we do is not predetermined. We are in charge of our actions. What IS predetermined are the consequences that follow as a result of our action, or inaction. Maybe a part of why I believe that is because I don't like the idea of not being in control of my life. I love being in control because I feel like I can do the best job. I know that I should give up control and let God point me in the right direction, but just can't. I want to. But I can't.I'm going to start writing some of my theories out here. I don't know why, but I'm going to. My goal in life is not to make a lot of money, not to be the best at something, but to love someone and be loved just as much in return. To meet somebody who thinks first about not themself, but of me. I try to think of others before myself, and all I've met are selfish people. I look at that last sentence and I realize that is not completely true. There was one. I still think about that one person. I wonder... But no, I screwed that up long ago. I do not believe there is any hope left for that part of my life. But for some strange reason, I hang on. I look at the wall behind me, and I see a bunch of plaques. Four across, three down. For some, it would be a reminder of what they had accomplished. For me, it's a reminder that no matter what I do, somebody has done it before me. No matter what I do, it's been done before. I've always sworn by late night conversations revealing people's innermost thoughts. If you want to know what I really think, you just read it. | | |
| My mind has been focused on one thing for far too long.
I just can't get rid of it.
So I have decided:
I can be patient.
I hate being patient.
It comes from living in a society of faster is better.
But there are a few things that are worth being patient for.
I take that back, there's only one I can think of.
And right now, that's what is on my mind.
I gotta have faith.
What is meant to be will always find a way.
Even though I may screw things up every once in a while.
But I can wait.
I may not want to, but I know I need to.
I'm going to give it one more chance.
The ball will be in your court.
You can decide.
Don't make the same mistake I did.
Give it a chance.
I hate things that I can't control. Unfortunately that whole part of my life is one big out of my control type deals. But in the end, it's worth it. You're worth it. I wish I had seen that sooner. Hopefully the old saying, "Better late than never," holds true here. Gotta have faith. It will all end up how it's supposed to. Hopefully that end is with you. | | |
| So I love this song and how relevant it is to my life right now.
If It Kills Me
Jason Mraz
Hello, tell me you know
Yeah, you figured me out
Something gave it away
It would be such a beautiful moment
To see the look on your face
To know that I know that you know now
And baby that’s a case of my wishful thinking
You know nothing
Well, you and I
Why, we go carrying on for hours on end
We get along much better
Than you and your boyfriend
Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
But I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
How long, can I go on like this,
Wishing to kiss you,
Before I rightly explode?
Well, this double life I lead isn’t healthy for me
In fact it makes me nervous
If I get caught I could be risking it all
'Cause maybe there’s a lot that I miss
In case I’m wrong
All I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
If I should be so bold
I’d ask you to hold my heart in your hand
I'd tell you from the start how I’ve longed to be your man
But I never said a word
I guess I’m gonna miss my chance again
Well all I really wanna do is love you
A kind much closer than friends use
I still can’t say it after all we’ve been through
And all I really want from you is to feel me
As the feeling inside keeps building
And I will find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
If it kills me
I think it might kill me
And all I really want to do is feel you
Yeah, the feeling inside keeps building
I'll find a way to you if it kills me
If it kills me
It might kill me
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